Things that scare me

This post is a bit different to usual, because I am writing about a topic assigned by the wonderful #OtherMothers group. Each month they pick a topic and all write about the same thing. It’s amazing to see how all the responses can be so diverse and interesting, showing that all mother’s have their own unique perspective.

This month the topic is Things that scare me, and I’m really looking forward to reading the responses.

This is my contribution….

When I was younger nothing really scared me. All the usual challenges people spoke about didn’t really bother me. I skipped off to university. I relished the chance to speak in public. I went travelling solo with glee.

I’m not keen on a few things like wasps, spiders and rats. When I come close to one my heart pounds a bit faster. But I don’t think about them all the time, so I wouldn’t go as far as to say they scare me.

Then this year I became a mum for the first time and suddenly lots of things scared me. Here was a little person who is entirely dependent on me, and as newborns they seem so vulnerable. You can’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong. But instead of letting that scare me into a panic I use it positively to look after her – to look out for hazards to avoid and follow the safety guidelines. It also helps to remember the people manage to bring up babies in much worse conditions and environments.

I also worry that the decisions I make could have consequences for her for years to come. For example, what if I pick the wrong school and she ends up hanging out with a bad crowd and getting involved in drugs. My husband is very good at assuaging those fears. He says all we can do is bring her up to know she is loved and can talk to us, and trust her to make her own decisions.

So right now the only real thing that scares me is that these wonderful days will be be forgotten. I’m currently on the last week of my maternity leave and it has been the most amazing time. Every now and again I catch her looking into my eyes with such love and I want to be able capture that moment for ever. A photograph just can’t capture the feeling.

However she is too young to remember, and it saddens me that she will grow up knowing rushed working mummy, and not the one who has been with her 24 hours a day laughing, singing and cuddling along together for the last 8 months.

Unfortunately I too also won’t remember things as well as I would like. I have a thing called aphantasia which means my memories are not visual. I remember facts, but I can’t replay a moment in my head.

When people talked about movies in their mind, or counting sheep, or life flashing before their eyes, I always assumed it was a metaphor. Then just a few years ago I found out people do actually recall images, and it was a surprise to me, because I just can’t do that.

Some people call it a condition, and have equated it to a lack of imagination, but I don’t think either of these things are true. It’s just a slightly different way the brain makes memories. I didn’t see it as a hindrance at all, but now for the first time it does scare me a bit.

It scares me that these have been the best 8 months of my life and all I will have is photos to remind me.

But hopefully we will be so busy having fun together and making new memories that it won’t matter!

This post is linked up with:

My Random Musings

4 thoughts on “Things that scare me

  1. I’ve never heard of aphantasia I’m gonna do some googling now! Totally intriguinged.
    I really (not sure enjoyed is the right word) but liked this post?! It’s very insightful! I can very much relate and it made me a little bit sad that you put into words something I hadn’t vocalised myself. I guess that shows how well written it is! I like your positivity though……. every day is an adventure and we can’t be scared or we won’t live!


    1. Thanks, it’s great to get good feedback, I know I’ll be struggling to find time to write, so it gives me the motivation to find the time and keep going.
      I only discovered aphantasia when a guy called Blake Ross wrote about it. He is a director at Facebook and Mark Zuckerberg shared it, and when I read it I was so surprised that it matched my experience completely.


  2. I read recently that whatever a baby experiences in their early months becomes their norm. So even though your little girl might not retain memories of this time, the love and dedication you have displayed are embedded in who she is. As a mom, I always try and remember that just loving my kids and being present and spending time when I’m able can go a long way. It’s hard though and can definitely be scary, especially thinking about them growing up. Good luck as you transition back to work!

    Liked by 1 person

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